Prison Cuisine - Out of Octopus!

Using food as punishment seems unethical, which is why critics of nutraloaf call it cruel and unusual punishment.

The Eighth Amendment does not state that prison food must be tasty or aesthetically pleasing, and hundreds of prisons around the country serve this delicacy to unruly prisoners. Nutraloaf, once described by Chicago Magazine food critic Jeff Ruby as "a thick orange lump of spite with the density and taste of a dumbbell,” is an unseasoned brick of carrots, cabbage, beans, and tomato paste.

In December of 2015, New York decided to end the use of nutraloaf in its’ state prisons. I guess I should count my blessings - no Nutraloaf for me last weekend when I spent over 20 hours in a medium security prison in New York state.

Instead, as a vegetarian, my menu choices included: half a cup of greenish beans, canned spinach, a brownie, corn mush, yoghourt, apple crispless crisp, milk, waffles, lots of white bread and butter. Since I prefer to forgo dairy products and white bread, I celebrated royally when I saw a large bag of fresh oranges. Halleluiah!

I had set aside my weekend and had traveled a total of 180 miles as a prison volunteer to share skills and exercises promoting non-violence with motivated convicts, spending long days confined to our workshop room.

Not only was the workshop a success, with enthused and eager folks wanting to turn their lives around, but I was able to indulge in juicy, aromatic, drippy, finger-licking, fresh fruit— a big treat during my food buying moratorium/ larder emptying project. I lost count of just how many oranges I wolfed down.

Actually, we outsiders are given permission to bring in one store-bought unopened bag of nuts, a small bag of fresh veggies, a small tub of hummus and one unopened bottle of water each day. I cannot share any of this with the guys who exclaim, “Hummus! I used to eat hummus.” Out of consideration for their lack of food choice, I often dine away from the crowd.

Fresh fruit used to be on our gate clearance list, but for some reason, has been nixed by the powers that be. I am told that prisoners are creative, and could ferment the fruit into alcohol, which is why we could not bring in trail mix with dried fruit in it. Five raisins here and five raisins there might add up to trouble!

Yes, I did have to break my moratorium rules and food shop for my weekend away in prison as I did not have store-sealed containers of anything, but I justify the ten dollar deviation as necessary for my sanity. Glad I had the choice not to fast in prison while co-facilitating the workshop. I likely would not have been very productive or present.

Many of our workshop participants live in honor dorms with kitchens, so they can do their own cooking with mailed and approved ingredients sent by family, or items purchased at the commissary.

I was told by several disappointed consumers, “There’s no more octopus this week. They’ve run out.” Though I have not food shopped in ten weeks, I might enjoy strolling down this slammer’s shop aisles, out of curiosity.

I’ve heard stories of how overweight incarcerated men have lost numerous pounds eating the restricted quantities of food they are served in the clink, and sometimes I think this is the world’s best kept secret. Why pay lots of money for a gym or diet plan, when you can just go to prison and lose weight and keep it off? Just kidding. I don’t wish prison on anyone.

I’ve also been told  by those with health issues that they blame the nutritionally challenging diet. There’s good reason to not end up in prison, if only food considerations.

I  was happy to munch on my baby carrots, and to sample whatever novelties appealed from the well- used brown plastic divider dishes of edible (questionable) institutional items, knowing I am free to return to my kitchen, where I have leftover bean burgers and squash soup to finish up.

Here’s a recipe I found online, not endorsed by me, but worthy of acknowledging its creative use of available ingredients:

Chocolate Cherry Vanilla Prison Pie

This recipe was devised by William Heirens, who was serving a life sentence in Illinois. Heirens stated that this was his favorite dessert before discovering he had diabetes. Heirens was the longest-serving inmate in the United States until his death in 2012.
Pie Crust Ingredients:
• 1 bag of vanilla wafers
• 5 oatmeal cream pies
• 1/4 cup water
• 2 tablespoons of butter
  Pie Filling Ingredients:
• 2 packages of powdered milk or 2 packets of vanilla cappuccino
• 1 package of cherry Kool-Aid
• 2 packets of sugar
• 1/4 can of Sprite
  Topping: Hershey bar

Directions:

Break vanilla wafers into little pieces while still in the bag. Crush up the oatmeal cream pies, then add to the vanilla wafer bag. Mix the water in with the vanilla wafers and the oatmeal cream pies. Add butter. Shape into a ball, press into pan or a bowl, shaping up the sides to resemble a pie crust.

Filling:In a large bowl, mix all filling ingredients with a spoon and stir for 5 minutes. Pour into pie crust and allow to set until pie is firm. After the pie is firm, melt the Hershey bar in the microwave and pour over pie.